VN Archives: In 2000, Bob Roll predicted the subsequent 100 years
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Editor’s notice: The next is the At The Again column from the January 17, 2000 version of VeloNews through which columnist Bob Roll predicts the long run.
Within the yr 2000, Lance Armstrong will win the Tour de France by the most important margin since World Struggle II. Stuart O’Grady will slip away from the sphere within the Olympic street race into the ultimate breakaway containing Michele Bartoli of Italy, Marc Wauters of Belgium, Dmitri Konyshev of Russia and Andrei Tchmil, additionally of Belgium. Konyshev and Tchmil will chase one another down, Wauters will chase Bartoli for Tchmil, and O’Grady will win the dash for gold. Australia will go wild with biking mania as O’Grady is the one gold to go to the host nation. (Cadel Evans takes the cross-country silver after an early flat and a heroic chase that falls a knobby-width in need of a flying Frischy — lastly profitable the title that dangerous luck has prevented for therefore lengthy.)
In 2001, Outside Life Community will lavishly current the Tour with two hours of stay racing day by day. Lance will win for the third time by the smallest margin ever: 5 seconds over Jan Ullrich. Lance will announce his retirement from the rostrum to type a rock band referred to as Torchrow, with Michael Ward (previously of the Wallflowers) on guitar, Chris Novoselic (previously of Nirvana) on bass, Madonna on tambourine, Ruthie Matthes on vocals, and Lance on drums. A 50-city tour will begin in Austin on August 1 from the again of a ’61 Caddy Fleetwood limo pushed by me. The roadies will all be former U.S. Postal roadies.
In 2004, Tinker Juarez would be the final sponsored mountain-bike professional on this planet, using for Tomac Bikes, which has changed Big (JT’s fat-tire sponsor) because the world’s largest maker of XC bikes. Chinese language mountain bikers will sweep the Athens Olympics however fail the drug exams. The gold medal can be received by Matt Kelly who’s the very best positioned all-natural athlete within the race. He finishes forty seventh. Juli Furtado comes out of retirement and obliterates the ladies’s discipline using a prototype single-speed hybrid track-recumbent bike with Shimano elements produced from a brand new alloy of hemp and glitter.
In 2007, gasoline will value $93.41 per gallon. Invoice Gates is the final individual to personal a automotive on earth. Everybody else rides bikes and pelts Gates’s automotive with poopy diapers as he drives by. Ruthie Matthes quits Torchrow to make her biking comeback and is changed by Ruby Roll. Steve Larsen — who was cryogenically frozen in 1997 — thaws out, does a hostile takeover of NORBA, changing Phil Milbum, who’s charged with promoting bootleg Snoop Doggy Canine CDs and Ohio Gamers eight-track tapes from his B.O.B trailer.
In 2010, Energizer replaces the bunny with Ned Overend after Nedly wins his twelfth XTERRA remaining.
In 2011, Marco Pantani is arrested whereas mendacity on the personal resort seaside of Cesenatico for not paying to lease the required umbrella. Unable to pay his nice, he spends one week in jail and does 40 hours group service paving the bike path alongside the seaside. Kevin Livingston retires from his job as roadie for Torchrow and is elected governor of Texas. Shawn Palmer is elected president of the USA in a heated battle with Jesse Ventura. Napalm bodyslams the getting older wrestler into the flip buckle to interrupt the tie. Bobby Julich lastly has a crash-free Tour de France to take the yellow jersey from Alex Zülle, who crashes into the Arc de Triomphe on the final day of the Tour. NFL and NHL cancel their seasons as a result of no one will carry their 10 tons of drugs on a bicycle.
In 2018, Geoff LeMond wins his fourth Tour de France, breaking the American report for Tour wins, set by Greg in 1990 and tied by Lance in 2001. Bob Roll is lastly acknowledged as an awesome linguist for coining the phrase “sassified” — to be pacified via satisfaction.
In 2024, Luke Armstrong wins his first Tour de France, and vows to demolish all his dad’s data. The western United States returns to its naturally rural inhabitants density as individuals understand that using 40 miles throughout the desert to purchase a doughnut and a few nail polish beneath your personal energy is method too troublesome. Gigantic ghost cities spring up in Durango, Scottsdale, El Paso, and Palm Springs.
In 2025, Andy Hampsten emerges from his self-imposed exile in Toscana to guide a crew of U.S. juniors in a tour of all of the japanese European stage races for under-23 riders. Through the Tour of Uzbekistan, Andy has a sequence of graphic flashbacks to his personal days as a junior beneath Eddie B, and convinces all of the riders to affix a circus headed for Mongolia. Andy returns to the U.S. and strikes into Steve Tilford’s basement. Tilly and Andy reintroduce Barum sew-ups to a rapt American shopper base. Dave Cullinan quits his job as a Las Vegas Elvis impersonator to affix Brian Lopes, Mike King, Eric Carter, Shawn Palmer, and Miles Rockwell as male escorts for Princess Sailboat Strains. They ask Johnny T to affix, however since there is no such thing as a extra international warming his as soon as arid thousand acres is now a thriving mango and guava farm.
In 2028, the Senior Bike Tour is introduced with a schedule of races just like the spring classics, grand excursions, and fall world championships. The format is a bit totally different than professional racing. Initially, the ex-pros are required to take medicine somewhat than keep away from them. Second, dangerous climate cancels any occasion, and no hills greater than an overpass can be climbed. Third, no one with a present professional license is allowed, which leaves out Ned, Tinker, Bostick, and Wiensey. Amber Ramos wins her fifteenth world XC title after an in depth battle with Kelsey Phinney — who’s searching for new challenges after profitable the Tour Féminin, Hewlett-Packard, three Olympic Nordic snowboarding titles and annihilating her pops Davis of their bitter Sunday morning Boulder city-limit signal dash rivalry.
In 2029, Frankie Andreu is the president of the USA — his first decree is to print a 500-dollar invoice with Dennis Rodman’s face. He strikes the White Home to the County Line Ribshack in LA and appoints Joe Parkin Minister of Propoganda, Zap Espinoza as Minister of Tradition, and Luma Randolph as Secretary of the Treasury.
In 2050, Sean Yates lastly retires as directeur sportif of the Linda McCartney Biking Staff. He defeats half the professional riders from his crew in his send-off race: a 50-mile time trial on the A2 lorry street between London and Ramsgate.
In 2070, the world crude oil reserves lastly run out utterly. The whole lot on this planet is human- or animal-powered. Air pollution is in full remission and drive-by shootings are a factor of the traditional previous.
In 2099, lecturers, maids, rubbish males, roofers, and bicycle mechanics make more cash than enterprise capitalists, company legal professionals, actual property speculators, and golf course operators.
